I've spent weeks thinking about how to write this post. Mostly I've spent weeks trying to figure out how to best describe the feelings associated with the final days of my guys decision on his job. If you remember, he had the polar opposites on the table, Big Fortune 500, big salary job or the tech start up.
There were deadlines and decisions that needed to be made. Pressure and fear about making the right decision. With the tight timelines came the fear of spending enough time praying for guidance in this huge decision and always being sure that He was leading. Fourteen months of searching for the job only to realize that deciding on the job was more agonizing than the search itself.
With another push from the big company to interview again, gave us time and space, and some clarity that actually looked like muddy water.
When he finally accepted the start up, our hearts were sure, but our brains were scared.
My guy said, "Do you mean I'm turning down a huge salary to take a risk on a start up?" Partly asking himself and partly seeking approval and reassurance. I replied, "Yea, I think you are."
We walked around in a bit of a daze. Afraid to celebrate that he had a job. What if it was the wrong decision?
It felt a bit like accepting that meeting request on Outlook as 'tentative'. Not really completely sure of anything. Mostly exhausted from the uncertainty.
Then came Sunday.
We rose for church like many Sunday's before.
I was anxious to be in the presence of my Lord and Savior. I longed to feel safe in His presence. I really wanted to escape the reality of uncertainty.
We sat in our usual section. I sat anticipating the music to swallow me up if only for a moment or two. Then there it was. The message. The message was on ........ FAITH.
My heart melted and I had a rush of emotions that had me wanting to laugh and cry all at the same time.
I had this vision and true feeling as if I was sitting beside my Father and he was putting his arm around me, around us, saying, "It's OK. You've done good and it's going to be OK."
For the first time in fourteen months really, I exhaled. I allowed myself to lay my head on His shoulder and I sobbed. I sobbed with love and faith and understanding. Understanding for the first time in my 43 years of what faith really means... is... stands for. The kind of faith that you truly don't know the answer and you get up and keep moving forward anyway.
Faith in what you can't see.
At the end of the service our pastor asked all of those that were faced with a challenge that required pure faith or those that had just made a decision on faith to stand and allow him to pray for them. (Is He good or what?) In that moment I had this picture of our Lord reaching out to my guy in a real man's hand shake. The kind that embraces with both hands firmly. A sign of love and mutual respect that says, "Good job, I'm proud of you, my Son. You've made a good decision and I will continue to love and care for you and your family. You're a good man."
He is a good man. He's my guy and he has a career to be proud of.
No paycheck yet.
For that we continue to have FAITH. And generic crackers, bluegill and Crazy 8.