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Monday, December 28, 2009

13 Years and Counting

As of today, I have been married for 13 years.  I'm proud of that.  There have been more than a few times over that 13 years that neither of us remembered why the heck we got married! We knew what we didn't like about each other in that moment and the days of being ga ga over each other barely a distant memory.  But we didn't give up.  We've also had some pretty joyous times, like bringing two very cool kids into this world. I've said before that a marriage starts out as art and later requires more science and an appreciation and dedication to both. 

I heard on the radio the other day, a guy talking about relationships. He said that when you begin dating you give your total focus to the relationship.  You are completely dedicated to that person and they get most of your time and attention.  Of course that's art. That's love, sunshine, roses and everything in your life feels like it has a Grey's Anatomy soundtrack in the background.  No one can maintain that level of focus over time. 

This guy on the radio went on to say that after a few months that focus wanes and our subconscious starts to take over.  All of the old behaviors and scripting from our family and experiences start to slip out. The real us starts to emerge into the relationship.  That's when we start to look at each other like, "who the heck are you?"  Then we have to find things we like about each other, when the sound track starts to skip and sound more than a little out of tune, when the storm rolls in, when the roses wilt and we're left with the thorns. 

We must look in the mirror and ask what are we supposed to learn from these times.  Spending time trying to fix the other person is like spitting in the wind.  A really bad idea with absolutely no value whatsoever.

I've learned a ton about myself in the last 7 or 8 years of our 13 year marriage. I'm not qualified to teach a marriage seminar anytime soon but here are a few things that I remind myself a lot! 

  1. God made him too.  When I see him through God's eyes instead of my own, everything looks different.
  2. He's not mine to fix. 
  3. He's not wrong, just different. 
  4. Find good babysitters and hire them more often. 
 Got any advice for us for our next 13 years?  Leave your comments please!  We'll take all the help we can get.