Like it? Then share it. *please*

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Blast from the past - Journal Archive

I dig journaling. I love it as much as ice cream and puppies. The thrill of a blank page and a great pen gets me all giddy inside.
(My current fav pen is a Sharpie fine point, I've left the house and remembered I forgot my favorite pen and went back for it. Not sure I would have done that for my kids some days. Just Sayin.)

So today I decided to go back and read through some old journal posts.  I often don't remember writing them just a few weeks later (because I'm getting old) and so it's totally new again when I read it. 

I love this post from October 26, 2008

I'm grateful that all of the answers we need are available to us if we have the courage to let go of our own plans and ask Him to lead us and guide us over the bumps and through the valleys that lead us to the better plan, His plan.

I'm grateful for my friend Vickie who sent me this message from a book she is reading,

God's answers to prayers .....
  • Yes
  • Not Yet
  • I have a Better Plan
I'm also grateful that whichever animal threw up, did it on the tile instead of the carpet.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I need a "Did You Mean" translator

You know when you type a search into Google and you screw it up somehow. Either you spell something wrong, or Google is just smarter than you, and it says, "did you mean" and gives you the right answers.

Yea I want that for the rest of my life.

Picture this,

You enter the house and say something to your husband and he immediately becomes defensive and frustrated. No worries, you hit your "did you mean" button and you get a do over.

You say something in a meeting and all of a sudden the room is filled with nothing but blank stares and the sound of crickets. No Problem. You hit the "did you mean' button and everything is fine and your career is back on track.

I tried to simulate it and this is what I got:

It started out looking o.k. -
Look, some poems about a wonderful mother, like me.
Then I realize the Google Ad is for a singles site and the bottom link is an obituary.
I guess the loving wife and wonderful mother gig really is a bunch of crap.
We're all just trying to do the best we can.

Friday, July 16, 2010

My Muse

This week was one of those weeks with not enough sleep, lots of cool work, a shortage of workouts, an excess of junk food and a sense of "wow", TGIF.

So I settled on the deck at 7pm on Friday night with my laptop and a glass of wine. My favorite combo pack.

My favorite 12 year old, Dude, joined me. Not with the wine, but out on the deck.

I shared with Dude the outline for the Not Wrong, Just Different book and the bones of the website that's being built. Without a blink or a wink of sarcasm he said, "Wow, mom, I bet you can help a ton of people, millions probably."

I teared up, smiled and said, "Yep, Dude, that's the plan."

And with that, the scary clients, late forecasts and 45 tasks were forgotten and replaced with a sense of gratitude and awe both for the Not Wrong, Just Different ADHD approach and the admiration of the reader that matters most, my muse, my inspiration.

As they say in the Dicks Sporting Goods store, "Life is Good".

Monday, July 12, 2010

You're lame if you don't read this book

I've not done an official book review here on Random Thoughts until today.

This one is important.

This one is important for you, and for your kids and how you raise them.

You may not have noticed yet, while you're busy getting the kids off to soccer or just trying to keep up on the whirlwind of your life, the world has changed. The way we think, act and work is different.

The good news is, the changes have some fantastic opportunities lying inside them, like the center of a Tootsie Roll pop. You're going to need to be aware of those changes or you'll just have another sucker. Or you'll just be another sucker, working for "the man" trying to keep up.

 The book is Linchpin - Are you Indispensable? by Seth Godin. I bought this book full price in hardback from the bookstore, the day it came out. That's big.

If you've got a Twitter account and are spending much time on the interwebz of the world, you've likely already heard of Seth or of Linchpin.  I'm writing this review for the rest of you. Especially those raising kids. 

Seth states in the opening comments, 

"You are not a faceless cog in the machinery of capitalism (anymore). You now have a choice. This book outlines the two paths available to each of us, and teaches you about why you might be resisting the less-traveled (but better) choice. 

Seth outlines the two team choices, management & labor or the linchpins.  Linchpins he goes on to say are those "who own their own means of production, who can make a difference, lead us & connect us."

We must understand today how to raise our children to be Linchpins. Don't be lame, click on the link and buy it. Be super cool and buy it through this link so I get a couple of coins in the deal. K?

I do find it interesting that I find a new bald guy to follow around every 15 years or so.  I wasn't, however, a Spock fan. Save the jokes, I see it, but I don't want to hear it.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The "ick" box

I want an "ick" box.

A place to put my "ick".

This would come in quite handy.

Picture this, someone says something to you that makes you feel "ick". Maybe mad "ick" or sad "ick", just "ick".  You're either slamming stuff or dragging your head feeling, well, "ick". Then you realize you need to take the kids to soccer. Instead of yelling at them and sharing your "ick", you put your "ick" in the box.  You can then go about your tasks without sharing your "ick". Cause you've got your "ick in the box".

You have an "ick" day at work. The worst. You drive home and just outside the door before you enter the house, you open your 'ick box' and you drop in the 'ick'. Smiling and perky you enter the house like one of the Cleavers, "Honey, I'm home." Then the family smiles back, "Great to see you, we've missed you." - OK, that's a little more than I can handle too, but you get the point.

Sometimes you'll need to go and clean out your 'ick' box, it's likely to get kinda stinky in there. But I imagine some of the 'ick' isn't that bad and when you go to look in the box, it disappeared.  It was only 'icky' when you were wearing it.

Some 'ick' is just "real ick'. That will likely take an 'ick remover" plan. Maybe you remove the person that keeps passing their 'ick', or you slather on some 'ick repellent' and hope they get better. 'Ick' has many sources. The 'ick box' would keep you from spreading it around, like a nasty bacterial infection. Wouldn't that be nice?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Not Wrong, Just Different - coming soon to a computer, then a bookstore near you!

So Random Thinkers, the new website and book are well underway!

The Title: Not Wrong, Just Different
subtitle: (still under construction)

The Topic:  ADHD Relationships

Who's the book for? Anyone that will read it and hopefully buy it!
I'm writing to anyone with ADHD and those that love them; parents, spouses, grandparents, teachers, scout  leaders, cul de sac queens, & car pool divas.  It's simply about the relationships between those with ADHD and the people that love them.

Why this topic?

With an ADHD husband and an ADHD son, this subject is near and dear to my heart.

It also scares the living crap out of me.

I'd say I'm writing the book mostly out of fear. Fear that I'll screw it up, (more than I already have), fear that so many others are screwing it up, and fear that if we don't see it differently, we'll have a real snowball of a problem on our hands for the millions of children and adults walking around this planet with ADHD. (yes millions, but I'm not in the mood for stats tonight, we'll cover that in the book and a future post.) 

By writing the book, I'm ridiculously aware of my behavior now. I'm aware when I'm getting it right and I'm keenly aware of when I'm screwing it up.  I'm working to tip the scales a little more to the right, getting it right that is.

Not Wrong, Just Different is about starting with the right perspective, viewpoint, paradigm about the relationship and about ADHD.   You have to see things differently to do them differently.   With an accurate perspective, the actions get much easier and more aligned to the results that everyone wants out of the relationship.

So many people try to action plan their way into better results without actually backing it up a step and studying how they "see" the situation.  Our viewpoint or paradigm drives our behaviors or actions, our actions drive our results and our results reinforce our point of view.

Let's review two of the most common perspectives I've seen so far in my interviews with those in ADHD relationships and then we'll look at the better option: Not Wrong, Just Different.
ADHD isn't real.  The drug companies made it up to make more money.

If you enter into an ADHD relationship not believing that this is a real disorder, your actions will likely be:
  • denial
  • shaming them about their behavior
  • working to validate your belief
  • seeing the ADHD as poor performance, lazy, or lack of effort
Of course this is the scariest paradigm of all for the person with ADHD.  These relationships are always at risk.
  • Most will end in divorce
  • Children become defiant
  • Child has no interest in maintaining a close connection with their parents. Many won't stay in the house past the legally required age or in some cases they leave earlier 
  • Lack of confidence, terribly low self esteem that plagues them with issues into adulthood
You can easily see what kind of long term impact there is for a child that is raised with parents that believe this, or for the spouse that lives with a partner that believes this.  In one word: doomed.

The Fixer  - Let's look for a cure, this has to end, surely you'll grow out of it.

Actions from this belief could be:

  • constantly trying new diets, new doctors, new medications, new books to fix the problem
  • studying the ADHD person like an entomologist studies bugs, microscope in hand, always ready to assess the situation and then fix it
This is the toughest. Most have this view out of love to help the person with ADHD. Unfortunately, the results can be frustrating for both parts of the relationship.

The fixer:
  • Becomes tired and resentful
  • Confused that help isn't appreciated
  • When and if the relationship ends, they have no idea how they contributed because they were only trying to help
The ADHD person:
  • Feels like a science fair experiment
  • Low self esteem from perpetually being fixed, believes they must be broken
  • Begin to resist and resent all strategies to cope with ADHD
  • Begin to look for other relationships that will be more accepting,  friends at school, or the co-worker that is more sympathetic - you can see where these may go.
And finally, the paradigm I'm trying to hold, reinforce, and write about in the book:

This is the belief that ADHD is very real but it doesn't make the person wrong, it just makes them different. This is the healthiest paradigm available to all involved in the relationship.  It's not an "easy button" or the answer to a blissful existence, but it is the healthiest for all involved.

ADHD is real and needs to be acknowledged.  There are many strategies that are helpful for ADHD, there isn't, however, a once size fits all solution.

Not Wrong, Just Different is about acceptance, love, patience and understanding.  It's about learning about ADHD in a healthy collaborative environment.  It's about meeting people where they are, and finding a way to nurture the best of each other.

Being in love with an ADHD person or raising a child with ADHD has it's fair share of struggles and frustrations.  Find me a relationship that doesn't have it's fair share of struggles and frustrations!

Key themes that we'll cover on the website and in the book for a Not Wrong, Just Different view:

  • Education. ------ Learn about ADHD from a practitioner point of view, not a fixer/scientist point of view. Learn and try new things, but don't be a pest. Recognize there is no cure, but there are some cool resources out there that can be really helpful.
  • Affirmation.  ------- ADHD people are typically brilliant and creative. Let their light shine. Ride the wave of their passions. They need people that can help them be a little more organized. Affirm each other. Be a team; thankful and appreciative of each others strengths and how much stronger you are together. 
  • Advocacy. ---- There will be many situations and systems that are not ADHD friendly, school is the primary example, but there are others.  Don't let ADHD be an excuse. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat. Don't get pushed around by those that don't understand it. Also, don't become the freak that the teachers run from because you've confused advocacy with your own type of bullying. Somewhere between being a doormat and being a bully is the sweet spot where everyone can win. There is both art and science to advocacy. 
  • Renewal. ---- ADHD is challenging, for all involved. Chillax a bit. Pick your battles carefully. Get enough rest and remember that organization and love are two different things and they don't need to be connected. Everyone needs time and space to themselves to recharge. Honor what that looks like for each other. For the ADHD person it may be a cluttered room with classic rock blaring. For the person that loves them, you may need to get away to that quiet, organized room to find some zen and peace. Honor the differences in what renewal looks like for each other. Remember, not wrong, just different.
This is just a high level look at the topic.  So what's next?

A website designed by the brilliant, Eric Hall from ehdesign & consulting will launch this summer.  The website will be a collaborative petri dish for testing ideas and theories.  The goal is to bring in a tribe of dedicated followers that can share their stories and challenges and brag about their successes. We can write much of this book together.  This site will be like an ADHD party, with a healthy dose of Ritalin and I'll be Julie the cruise director of this Love Boat. 

When it's time for this ship to sail, we'll blast it out to RandomThinkers, Twitter, Facebook, email blasts, you won't be able to NOT hear about this launch. Bring the champagne and I'll arrange the shuffleboard. This is going to be a blast! And we might learn a thing or two if we're lucky.

Your response: Wow, Rebecca, that's awesome, how can we help?

Me: Glad you asked. You can forward this post to everyone you know with ADHD or to those that love them. Ask them to do just two things here on the RandomThoughts site. Hit Follow and Subscribe so they won't miss the launch. And if you haven't done that, shame on you, catch up now.

You: Sure, happy to help.

Me: Thanks, you're one of my favorite Random Thinkers.