I found myself in the company of three of my favorite
colleagues and leaders in my organization last week. I am truly blessed to work with smart people
that I genuinely like. I enjoy going to
business meetings because I like to hang out with these guys.
We had a great dinner preparing for a huge event. We did good work and we laughed so hard I
nearly cried.
On the way back,
we launched into a business discussion that was very close to my work,
my heart, my job satisfaction. I'm in
sales. My job can be excruciatingly
hard. I'm not complaining, if you're not willing to sign up for the difficulty,
don't sign up to be in sales.
As we discussed the strategies, the possibilities of some
changes, the people in these roles, the intent of these great leaders was all about problem
solving. That's what leaders get paid to
do. They like to do it. They're good at it. (at least these guys are)
Quickly the conversation became like a tiny ice pick
chipping away at my armor exposing my frustrations and even deeper into my
fears and fatigue. I've been doing this
job successfully for 12 years. People
sometimes forget that we old timers still have fears and a hefty dose of fatigue that we carry around.
I began to recognize the longing and gnawing ache for
empathy. I know intellectually there's no perfect answer that will satisfy
me inside the challenges we were
discussing. It's complex and difficult, a spider web
of possibilities all impacting one aspect of the company or another.
Then it hit me. I am no longer interested in a
solution. Now I just want some dang
empathy!
I decide to move out of my own debate and problem solving
mode and start to articulate some of my vulnerability, fear, and fatigue. Slowly at first to invite empathy and test
for response.
I was met with reassurance of my wonderfulness and how
special I am, how talented. Who doesn't
want some of that feedback? I
didn't. In fact it was infuriating. I knew they had no idea those wonderful
comments were having the complete opposite effect on my heart. These guys genuinely care about me and would never intentionally hurt me.
We were back at the hotel ready to part ways and I felt
panicked. I wanted some freakin' empathy and I wasn't leaving there without it!
Then it happened.
I cracked. Just a little. I opened my mouth to gently tell these guys
that I just wanted them to listen and it happened. I became a "girl". I teared up a little, my lip quivered. Not the ugly cry, not the snot running on
your top lip cry. Just a little crack in the corporate armor. I'd like to refer to it more like the beer
commercial for dudes that says "some of my awesome leaked out".
Nothing sets three grown men into more of a panic then a
grown woman colleague about to cry. So
they ratcheted up the compliments. They were coming so fast with so much drippy
syrup my stomach started to hurt.
They really were
killing me with kindness. My head was
listening to them coming at me and my heart was being completely irrational and
thinking things like, "I'll just move away, leave this corporate craziness
and write books and live in a shack." Then one of them started to get
it. He leaned over and gave a friendly
punch in the arm to the one that had just stepped back to reload his arsenal of
kindness. He stopped and literally sat back on the curb. I think subconsciously I had knocked him so
far off his game for a minute he had to stop and rethink everything about what
to do next. I didn't want a problem
solved or another compliment. Just some heartfelt listening.
I'll solve most of my own problems willingly and words of
affirmation don't even show up on my needs list.
When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen! All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do -- just hear me.
Ralph Roughton, M.D. - page 110, Habit 5 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Signature Manual
Once they let me share some feelings, fears, and fatigue,
I felt better almost instantly ......except for the truckload of awkward that
was dumped on the curb beside us.
Finally feeling a little calmer and more than a little
spent myself, I let them off the hook and said, "Guys, don't panic, don't
call a special breakfast meeting tomorrow to schedule my therapy or talk about
my mental breakdown. I'm fine. I just needed a little listening and
empathy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have
a big event in the morning and I need some sleep." All said with a smile and my usual healthy
dose of sarcasm to let them know that I had returned to my usual self.
I think I might have heard a collective sigh as they all
finally exhaled.
I'm not writing this to trash talk anyone. I'm writing this to say that empathy is
hard. Most of the time we're not
nearly as good at it as we think we are.
It takes awareness and practice.
It's also important to note that I've known these guys
for 12 years. They're like family to
me. I'd do anything for them and I know
they feel the same about me. We get so
comfortable with people that we forget the natural laws of human effectiveness
are always at play. Even after 12 years.
I think this is why so many marriages suffer. We become
so comfortable with each other and our desire to help and fix and solve problems gets in the way of feeling each others feelings. That's what we all really want. I was just crazy enough to stand on the
street and stomp my feet and shed a little tear until the tough guys would give
me some.
Empathy sweet empathy.
How are things with your empathy experiment? Any stores to share?
