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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

A Pause From Those Freakin' Expectations. A Dream.

Expectations are a real bitch sometimes. 

Aren't they?

We all have them.  For each other, for ourselves.

Sometimes I want to close the door on the little fuckers and take a break. 

I want to award us all a slight "pause" in life from expectations. 

For a short period of time, a couple of hours, a whole day maybe, my God should I dream of a whole weekend?........... just to let the expectations cease.  No one waiting on the project to be completed, the meeting to be set, the SAT tutoring to get scheduled, the dishes to be done, the exercise to happen. 

No one looking at me and thinking where I've been, what I've done, what should I, could I be doing.

My mind to slow down and gently set all of my own expectations for myself aside for just a freakin' minute.  Just a little box by the door where I'll pick them up later.

Even those that love us unconditionally, like our parents, have expectations.  That we'll stay safe, and happy and fulfilled.  Everyone has expectations, some more realistic and healthy than others.

Just a little break.

A break from thinking of others and what they expect of me and how disappointed they might be in me, especially those that are unwilling to expect more from themselves, I absolutely want a break from them.

I even want a tiny break from the dreaming of what could be for myself.  The hopes and dreams and good stuff.  I even want a break from that. 

So tonight I tried to do this for myself.  I ran a bath so hot  and full of sweet smelling bubbles and I lie there thinking of nothing until it ran cold.  But you can't really think of nothing can you?  It's impossible.

So instead I decided to dream about what I would do with those expectation free hours.  My own private pause.

I would put on my favorite pair of jeans and the old boots I've loved for years. Shake out my favorite broken down t-shirt.  I'd stroll into a broken down bar where, unlike Cheers, no one knew my name. 

And in my little dream, there would be an old bartender that made the drinks with a nice long pour and knew how to weave a good tale.  And the pool table would be free and the jukebox would be full of classic rock.

There I'd mix with the locals who didn't know my name and didn't give a damn about wondering who I was. And we'd laugh and shoot some stick and sing along as loud as we wanted. Pull out some air guitar when appropriate, because that's what happens when a great song comes on and you're holding a pool cue.  And the table would have just enough warp to let you know it had been around awhile and didn't expect too much from itself. 

Just a few hours.

Then I'd come home, gently pick up my expectations from the box by the door and carry on.  Simple.

But it isn't. Simple.

So maybe we all need to just give each other a little break.  Give ourselves a break.  Maybe it's time to crank the Tom Petty and sing because you can, not because you're good, like he did.

Maybe we just need to remember that what will be will be and to just try to give each other a little break.  Or give ourselves a little break.   From those freakin' expectations.

And if you see me in your bar this weekend, please just buy me a drink and put some more quarters in the jukebox. Maybe some CCR?  You pick, I'll sing along.  Pass me the chalk.

What's your pause day look like?