We think we're doing a good job of hiding it ...but I've talked to too many of you.We make mistakes, we do stupid shit. I know the pain and the things I hid for years. Then we stew in it and let it harden us and change us. We pretend like we're the only ones that have screwed up. We turn our face away like we're the only ones that are hurting and we can't bear to be seen.
We go inside. We close the door and pull the curtains and we hope someone, maybe everyone will forget. Will forget what? Will forget the thing we've been stewing on for days, weeks or maybe years? Or should we forget that we're all just human and sometimes we're sad and vulnerable and we make mistakes. We say things, we do things we just want everyone to forget.
So if we're all just a little screwed up why can't we just air that stuff out in the sunshine instead of locking it in the dark and damp where it festers and grows? The sun would bleach it clean. Light is the best disinfectant. Yet we hide it all in the damp and the dark and feed it to fester and become a bigger part of us than it deserves.
I reunited with an old friend this weekend that I hadn't seen in 31 years. We talked long and hard about those years we had missed. Too many of them were spent hiding from people that we loved, hoping they wouldn't see and feel our pain and our disappointment in ourselves.
And how the hell are we supposed to learn and grow and get better if we're so busy hiding and trying not to screw up. I'm sick of it. Sick of the judgement and the fear and the inability to just lay ourselves out there and know that when the shit goes down we won't need to hide from it.
And when we do change and become more of ourselves, there's always someone waiting in the wings to call out those changes and try to knock us back. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people that want to tell me what my right and wrong should be. I'm sick of the self righteous and the judgement that seeps from the pores of too many.
And I wish I could go back and change those times that I was that person. I wish I could cleanse myself of the tendencies that I picked up over the years that were based on the fear and judgment of others. So many times that I felt I couldn't be myself and over time it changed me. Fear is a relentless bitch.
I want to spend time with people that have a heart for the humanity of others, not their own version of right and wrong. I'm sick of the expectations of others that I will do their version of the "right" thing; Wear the right things, say the right things, be their version of the right person. Who got to make up all of those rules and expectations and how did I get so mixed up in it? You get mixed up in it when you're hiding from your own pain. When you hunker down in the damp and the dark choked with fear.
I want to know that someone, anyone ... will let us air out our fear and hurt and trouble. Air it out in the sun and bleach it clean. I want to know that someone will watch me do something stupid and then lovingly and knowingly help me air it out in the sun. And if my stupid shit has hurt them, they will care enough to say, "Hey, that stupid shit hurt me and I'd like to get it aired out in the sun so we can move on."
Because really, who gets to decide what our mistakes really are? Yea, that's right, none of us. That's between me and God. So let's just shine that Light on it and see what happens. And the rest of you can go about your own business.
